Why we Should Say NO to Negging

Sounds like a hardcore sex act, in reality it’s a lot worse…

Until last night I was unaware of the term negging. In fact, I didn’t even know it was a thing until it had happened to me. And when I shared my experience with a few female friends, I was upset to find that some of them had experienced the same thing.
Negging
verb;
A low-grade insult meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. (Urban dictionary:2009)

Arseholes

 

Sounds delightful.

Negging is one of the tactics used by the writer of the infamous (in my opinion) “The Game” a book that offers tips and advice to the everyday Joe Bloggs on how to pick up women. As previously mentioned it works on the idea that by handing a woman a backhanded compliment it will undermine her confidence and make her work for your validation.

The neg I received in question?
“Even though you’re boggle eyed, I would still smash you” He looked at me and smiled, clearly waiting for a response.
Nice. I stood there for a couple of seconds trying to work out what had just happened. A complete stranger had just approached me, insulted my appearance and then expected me to respond. If we look at this act on a deeper level, it’s actually quite sinister. The idea that someone should have to prove their validation to a complete stranger is stupid, and the fact that men are being encouraged to dent a woman’s self esteem just low enough so she will think you are her only option is abusive.

The book claims that negging suggests to a woman that he is a man who has confidence and does not care what she thinks. In my mind bringing someone down has never suggested confidence, but screams insecurity and that’s not hot. Like the old saying goes
“What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than it does of Sally”
Except in this case the Susie in question is a Steve.

It worries me more, that this might actually work on some girls. If it does, you haven’t bagged yourself a strong, confident woman. You’ve bagged yourself someone who has extremely low self-esteem.

As for the arsehole who negged me; I don’t have boggle eyes, they’re actually one of my best features. They’re big and almond shaped and for that one negative comment I could probably give you a hundred more that state the opposite. Seeking your validation is not something I need. I feel validated in myself. I have loving friend and family, a good education, a promising career, money in the bank, savings to fall back on and nice things I’ve worked hard for. I’d shave my head before going out with a guy who thought a good way to get into my knickers was by insulting me.

In all honesty if I’d had a drink in my hand I would have thrown it at his crotch and then mocked him for looking like he’d pissed himself.

 

 

Is it OK to Date Multiple People?

When I first started internet dating, I found the amount of messages I received to be somewhat overwhelming. I cautiously brought this up with a friend who was on the same site, in fear of sounding big headed and found that she felt the same way too.
When you’re out in a bar, you may get chatted up, but not many people will experience groups of the opposite sex trying to engage in conversation with you at the same time, but when we’re sat behind our computer this is often commonplace. We have so much choice, we may find ourselves talking to 2 or 3 people whom we find attractive and get along with quite well. I’ve found myself in a situation a few times when I’ve agreed to a date with more than one person- but is this OK?
Is it OK to date multiple people?
When you sign up to a dating site, you should expect for there to be lots of other people on there looking for a serious relationship, there will also be lots of other people who aren’t, and how do we find this out? We find this out by talking. Talking with just one person is like putting all our eggs in just one basket, and ya know, as a woman I wanna make sure my eggs get the best possible basket! And if you get on online- that’s great, but will you get along offline? The only way to find this out is by dating. Going on dates with various people isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t cheating. I think if you’ve met online you can expect that the person you’re talking with will be talking to and dating other people. Dating other people is fine, be honest about it and remember not to take it personally when you discover others are multiple dating too.
When it doesn’t become OK?
Whilst I believe multiple dating is OK in the first stages, I draw a line after a while. When is it not OK? For me I would say that this is a boundary that needs to be set by the couple. For example, you may have been on a couple of dates and things are getting a little more serious; when you’re sleeping together (let’s not contribute to spreading any nasties about) Ultimately remember that the choice is between you and one other. Either way it probably involves the dreaded “talk” …. that’s for another post!

A Whole Bunch of Toads

I do believe that the majority of men out there are polite, intelligent and know how to speak to the opposite sex. However, you would forgive me for thinking that it’s becoming increasingly more probable that I will die alone… surrounded by cats.
Below are snippets taken from some of the messages I have received…
First let me explain this one; I have a unisex name. I understand it can cause a bit of confusion with pronunciation, and I have surprised a few interviewers upon arrival, but my name is my name. I’m not sure why my parents chose it, but they chose it none the less.  I’m not going to tell you my name- that’s a secret…
“So what’s your real name then? I’ve never heard a girl be called that before”
“I’ve definitely given you my real name. It’s not short for anything. That’s my name”
“Why did your parents give you THAT name”
“Errr”
“It’s OK, you should just tell people your parents were drunk”

Seriously though?! Why would you say that?

“Where is it you live?”
“I live in a Small village called Eye”
“Your profile says you live in Suffolk though? There isn’t an Eye in Suffolk, are you sure you haven’t spelt it wrong? Or do you actually live in Cambridge?”

MUST. NOT. LET. THEM. PATRONISE.

 

This..

GO AWAY!

 

Like I said, I’m sure these boys are not representative of the male population, but I do wonder where did they learn this behavior from? I think the next time I’m asked why I’m still single I shall present this post…

The Dreaded Plus One

Summer is coming. This means one thing- wedding season. Yes the sun comes out and everybody gets married. Now, don’t get me wrong I love weddings; the excuse to buy a new dress, shoes, bag… etc, the free food and drink. I think if I ever get married, it will be one massive excuse for a festival themed party with hay bales and a candy floss machine (Yes I have planned my wedding. Yes it will be festival themed. No I haven’t found anyone brave enough to marry me)
However , there is one aspect of these lovely celebrations that are starting to become more and more of a problem. The plus one- or lack of. I had an invitation drop through my letter box about six months ago; it was from my cousin and his fiancé inviting me to his wedding along with a plus one. A plus one?! I hadn’t even considered that I would be able to bring a ball and chain. I replied to my cousin ASAP and upon being told there was no plus one, he sweetly informed me that I wasn’t to worry. I had six months to find one. I wasn’t aware I HAD to bring one. I’m beginning to wonder, am I perhaps not viewed as a proper adult due to lack of plus one? Is it strange I don’t have one? Am I perhaps slightly immature for not even considering that I should bring a date? Besides, no one batted an eyelid when I didn’t have a date for prom. I was 16 then.
I mentioned this to my Mother, who replied “Well, you’re nearly 25 darling” Is that it then? Is that how my worth is going to be measured; on the basis of whether I have a plus one or not? Would people react the same way if my brother didn’t have a plus one? I’m not sure they would, I have never seen a negative response to his single status. It was always met with comments such as “He’s working hard, aren’t you?” “He’s saving money” “He’s focusing on other things”
For him, his success is measured by the promotions he receives, the new car he bought, or how much he earns. Which isn’t right either, but why is it that if he’s not in a relationship it is not considered the end of the world, where for me, as a woman, peoples main interest in my life is whether or not I have a boyfriend, or why I don’t have children yet like other girls my age. As if my womb is all I have to offer. No one mentions the vast sums of money I raised to fund a voluntary trip to Africa, no one mentions the theatre pieces I wrote exploring women’s rights, or the expensive watch I bought with my first ever pay check. Maybe it’s just the generation gap, but oh how I would love for my success as an adult woman to be measured by my personal achievements, not by whether I have a male counterpart.
I guess until then I’ll be on the kids table. That’s fine by me. I won’t have to share the table’s bottle of champers that way.

Perhaps I can impress the fam with the fact I know the single ladies dance of by heart?

Jealousy- Is it ever OK in a relationship?

Jealousy is probably one of the strongest human emotions, which we can all feel from time to time, but when it does rear its ugly, green head how much is too much? And how do we deal with it?

Firstly, it is fair to say that jealousy often stems from insecurity.  In past relationships I have dealt with jealousy; both on my part and theirs, for many reasons, and on reflection the deeper issue was often to do with a feeling of inadequacy. We may get jealous of our partners co-worker because she’s tall and blonde, whereas you are a petite brunette, what you must remember is that your partner is with you and not them. Acting irrationally is not going to help, and may only push your partner further away. I’ve always been a big fan of communication in a relationship and sometimes the only way to help overcome your jealous behaviour is to talk with your partner regarding your insecurities. Although tread carefully because it is often the words used that can be the difference between a heart to heart and a blazing row. Accusatory language such as: “I hate it when you hang out with her” is likely to cause the latter. Instead try: “I feel (insert feeling) when you hang out with her because (insert reason)” that way it will feel less like you’re attacking them. Asking your partner to cease all behaviour that makes you jealous (such as talking to that pretty work colleague of his) is plain ridiculous; you both need to work on the issue, not the cause…

Check out my article for Singles Warehouse

Sir Moanalot

Unfortunately this attitude is unacceptable in real life

It’s been a little while (OK a long while) since I’ve written on my blog. I’ll admit I’ve been focusing on other things- work, play, generally sorting my life out and unfortunately my blog has suffered. Forgive me.

I thought I’d share a little story with you. Last week I rejoined a well known, free dating site. This dating site offers an ocean of different types of fish, in which hopefully you’ll find your Nemo (if you haven’t got which site I’m talking about then I don’t know how to help you) Anyway, I quickly got talking to a guy; a relatively cute, rugby type guy. We’d been talking for a short while, when he asked if I would like to meet. I had quite a good feeling about his cheerful banter and so agreed. He had said that he would pick me up and we would go for lunch. Fine, although I did warn him that my house was hard to find and he would get lost. He scoffed slightly at my warning and insisted. I gave him the benefit of the doubt- maybe he’d been really good at geography at school. However, knowing the amount of friends who had found themselves lost on the way to my house before, I didn’t hold out much hope.

As we were to be eating closer to my neck of the woods, we agreed that I would find the local watering hole for us to spend some time. My neck of the woods is quite rural, and many of the places are small pubs. I decided on a small but friendly gastro pub. Fairly out of the way, but I knew how to get there and home again.

The day arrived and the plan was that he would pick me up at 12.15, 12.30 rolled around and I received a text:
“can’t find your house”
I asked him where he was. He didn’t know. He then text me with a house name- of which I had never heard of and then told me to come and find him. I had to walk 15 mins before I eventually found him. He had parked up on the side of the road and for me to get into his car it meant walking up onto a muddy side bank. My shoes got covered in mud and upon entering the car he did not look pleased by this. He then proceeded to moan about the location of my house: “Why on earth did I live there for?”  (I’m sorry, I lost my job and had to move back home with my parents, it was that or a cardboard box)
He then asked for directions to the place I had planned for us to go. I gave him directions. I said left, he went right; he was of the opinion that I probably didn’t know where it was. When he eventually listened we arrived to our destination. Upon arriving he found the following things wrong with it:
it was old
the ceiling was low
he didn’t like the furniture
the list went on and on and on

As for conversation, Sir Moanalot spent the whole time moaning. First off he moaned about how hard he worked (although I wouldn’t understand because I probably didn’t work as hard as him) then he moaned about his elbow (he had hurt it during a rugby match) he moaned about my choice of drink, he moaned I drank too slowly, moan moan moan.

He didn’t ask me many questions about myself, and the awkward silences became longer and longer as time went on. After a while, we awkwardly ended the date (he moaned because he had washing to do and needed to get it done before his long week at work) He then came out with this little beauty
“You’re paying”
No. No I wasn’t. I told him this and he moaned about that as well.

I didn’t really speak to Sir Moanalot after our date. I had a few moany text messages, but it died a silent death.

And so my search goes on. If you know of any big, strong, HAPPY men send them in my direction. I’m too young for a grumpy old man just yet!

An Alternative to Valentines

 

So there seems to be three camps when it comes to Valentine’s Day:

Loved up and celebrating

Single and bitter

Taking full advantage of all the wine and chocolates on offer.

If you’re lucky enough to have someone to celebrate with that’s great, but if you don’t, or for whatever reason your other half isn’t able to share the day with you, what is one to do? I’ve compiled some of my best tried and tested alternative ways to spend this wonderful, consumer driven day.

Clubbing
One of my best V days was spent in a gay bar with two of my bestest girl friends. We danced to cheesy pop and no one wanted to try and get in our pants because as in real life we didn’t appeal to the clientele. For once in our life we found guys who loved Britney just as much as we did. It generally was a happy, non threatening atmosphere.

An Anti Valentines Dinner
Yes. My best girl friends and I had an anti valentines dinner. We booked our table, got rather merry before arrival and spent the entirety of the meal causing a bit of a ruckus by doing various things such as sucking the helium out of balloons and singing stupid songs. This is extremely immature and fun.

Girly sleepover
Do take advantage of all the chocolate and wine on offer, get the girls round for a pamper session and some karaoke, songs such as RESPECT and I Will Survive should deffo be sung at least three times!

So don’t let the loved up couples have all the fun! Get your fellow single friends round I’m sure you love them too!

The 3 Date Rule: When is a Good Time to Sleep With Your New Crush?

When is the right time to get down and dirty?

It is a topic that has had me most confused since the age of about 16; when is it the right time to sleep with your new crush? The answer for me has changed over time, had you of asked a 16 year old me, I would have said that he definitely needed to be official and long term, my outright response would have been 6 months to a year, sounds long doesn’t it?

And while our ladies from hit TV series Sex and The City wold have you believe three dates is the perfect time, the truth is, is that like many other issues in relationships, the answers aren’t black and white.

” This doesn’t help me!” I hear you cry, while I can’t advise you over when you should go the whole hog with your new crush, I can pose a few questions that may help you make up your mind:

Are you on the same page? Do you both want a relationship?- It can be really hurtful jumping into something with someone and then finding out you both want different things. Have an honest chat about whether you’re both after a relationship, or something a little more casual.

What do you know about each other? – If it’s an emotional connection your after it’s good to know silly details about each other. Spend time with each other first.

Are you both clear of any nasties?- Nasties: The clap, warts, blue waffle, genital hurties that are formally known as STDs. If you don’t know, why don’t you know? Surely, you go to the dentists every six months, so why wouldn’t you get yourself tested every time you enter a new sexual relationship (if you don’t get your teeth checked every six months then there is probably no chance for you)

What form of contraception are you going to use? You NEED to talk about this, unless you want to end up on Jeremy Kyle. And if you can’t discuss it with your other half you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them.

Your place or mine? For god sake when you do the deed make sure the bedsheets and fresh.

So there we go, a few things I know I like to have a think about before I do the deed.

10 Reasons Why… Finding a Boyf Isn’t One of My 2014 Resolutions

It’s the New Year and so all of a sudden the media is flooded with the following: Get Fit DVDs, Summer Holiday deals and Dating Sites. I’ve had this New Year resolution before
“find myself a nice young man”

I have never been successful. So my 10 reasons why finding a man isn’t a priority for 2014….

1.       Like I said, I have never quite been successful on this one before and I just don’t like feeling like I have failed.
2.       Extending on number 1 I refused to deem myself a failed woman just because I don’t have a hunky man friend.
3.       I’m picky. I very rarely come across a man I want to romance. I just don’t think I could lower my standards in order to tick a box.
4.       If love happens when you least expect it, perhaps I should stop expecting to find it.
5.       I already have a massive list of things I need to work on. I don’t wanna make that list any longer.
6.       I’m honestly not quite sure what I’m looking for.
7.       There is a drought in my area. A serious drought. If I was to find someone in my town you could guarantee they will definitely be someone’s hand me downs. No thank you.
8.      I’m currently doing operation “Move Away” this means getting as far away as possible from this town. It wouldn’t be fair to expect someone to move to because I wouldn’t stay.
9.    Sometimes I like spontaneous happenings
10.  2014 is MY year.

   

Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?

A question I’m asked quite a bit. This seems to be something that bugs my Mother more than it bugs me. I don’t have a boyfriend, so according to her I don’t have a life. This is offensive in many ways:
a) I do have a life
b) It suggests that my success is only measured by how attractive a man finds me.

Whatever happened to measuring my worth by what I have personally achieved, and how I treat the people already present in my life?  What about my talents? Or whether I’ve taken part in voluntary work in one of the world’s poorest countries? Is all that really cancelled out simply because I’m a lone ranger?

Attached people, do I ask you WHY you’re in a relationship? Do I look at you like you’re a leper when you tell me how long you’ve been together? Do I ever assure you that one day you’ll be single again? No.

 People have many reasons for not being in a relationship. To judge them on it is somewhat insensitive.

It’s really lovely that you have a partner. Maybe one day I’ll have the same, but for now I’m working on loving myself,  building my life and being the best person I can be, because ultimately that’s what life is about, yes?