I’m aware most of my posts look like I’m a man hating witch (I promise, I’m not) and that maybe the reason why I’m single is because I’M the one with the problem (nahhhh) and not the men I’m dating. So, with that in mind I sat down yesterday, with a glass of vino and compiled a list of all the possible reasons for my single status.
1. You’re needy. Men don’t like this and apparently asking your beau if he wants to go out on Wednesday night equates to being a needy mess.
2. You own loads of teddies. Men don’t like that creepy shit. I don’t care. My teddy doesn’t take up that much room. OK he is a bit gross and hasn’t been washed for the entirety of his 24 years, but he’s my friend.
3. You drink too much. I like to think I can drink any man under the table. In reality I am 5ft 2 and can only handle two glasses of wine before I vom. Being sick in your handbag is not cool.
4. Men are scared of your success… or lack of.
5. Your face. Men are scared of my bright lipstick. They also don’t understand why I draw my eyebrows on.
6. You smell. I smell expensive. I love Chanel perfume, most men get scared I’ll cost them a lot, but I promise I only wear Chanel on days that end in Y.
7. You slept with him too soon. Silly you, didn’t you know you’re supposed to wait until the 3rd date?! Before that and “you is a slag”. Any longer than that and you’re frigid. Anyway, how dare you admit to liking sex. You’re not supposed to. Woman.
8. You’re too fussy. Look, I’m sorry, but if you’re not over 6ft and on £30k a year, I don’t wanna know.
9. You once mentioned you would like to get married and have children one day. Even if you didn’t specifically mean to them, they will start having visions of you turning into the crazy bunny boiler from Fatal Attraction.
10. You don’t actually have room for a man in your life. I don’t think he would fit in my room because I have far too many nail polishes and shoes.
So there we go. The most likely reasons for my everlasting singledom. To be honest though, I don’t think any of the above mentioned are bad reasons… what’s wrong with having over 100 pots of nail varnish and 60 pairs of shoes?! They’re necessities!